Grief - 10 months on

"Fridays Child is loving and giving...."

My daughter was born on a Friday afternoon - 4.20 pm to be precise. I was barely out of my teens and really had no idea what i was getting myself into. That all changed the moment she was placed on my chest. She seemed so tiny - 7 pounds. She had beautiful dark eyes & she was very alert & calm considering the difficult birth id had. 7 hours of the worst pain imaginable but she was worth every moment. I couldn't quite believe how lucky i was to be holding my beautiful daughter, vowing id always protect her. Her birth changed me, i grew up very quickly and didn't mind one bit.

Never had id ever thought id lose her. As a parent your mind just wont go there. You read about other people losing a baby, a child & its so hard to comprehend what that family must be going through. You think it only happens to other people. Sadly it happened to me. My daughter passed away peacefully with me by her side. It was a Friday afternoon - 4.10pm. To be precise.

Grief, 10 months on. Where am i at? I'm at a place of acceptance. I know she's not coming back, that shes not on some little adventure somewhere. I no longer wake in the morning and remind myself of whats happened like i did in the early days, hoping it was just a bad dream. A lot of things you have control over but death isn't one of them. Reality can be harsh, cruel. I'm still the same person but I've changed in ways that are only now becoming apparent. I'm less tolerant, i carry around a sadness that i cannot shake. Even though i have times i feel happy the sadness is always there. I wonder if ill always feel like this.

A question i get a lot is how have i managed to keep going? Function? The short answer is i don't really know. Until you are faced with something its hard to judge how you would cope. I think if i didn't have my son it would have been harder to pick myself up. His needs are immediate, he is my reason for getting up each morning. Life is busy, sometimes a little busier than id like. And that helps too but sometimes I've just got to take some time out for me and reflect. Lately I've been going to the cemetery when i need to be alone and i sit next to her grave and talk to her. Perhaps I'm going a little nutty? If i am, i don't care as it helps to talk to her & I'm sure shes listening.

Having a small child and mixing with other mums at kinder & playgroup i quite often get asked the question do i have any other children? The answer is always yes i do,  that my daughter passed away early this year. Most people are very kind, some are uncomfortable. She lived, she was my daughter and ill always mention her. Always.